戴夫·查普尔：一笑置之Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones (2019) – Full Transcript分集剧情
“TELLMESOMETHING’YOUMOTHAFUCKASCAN’TTELLMENOTHIN’I’DRATHERDIETHANTOLISTENTOYOU…”—KENDRICKLAMAR,PULITZERPRIZEWINNER“IKNOWREALNIGGASHAPPENTOLOVEIT”—SHAWNCARTER(BILLIONAIRE)♪IwasdreamingWhenIwrotethis♪♪Forgivemeifitgoesastray♪♪ButwhenIwokeupthismorning♪♪Could’veswornitwasJudgmentDay♪♪Skywasallpurple♪♪Therewerepeoplerunningeverywhere♪Andthisisthebarofthewholesong.Princesay…♪Tryingtorunfrommydestruction♪♪YouknowIdidn’tevencare♪GoodpeopleofAtlanta,wemustneverforget…thatAnthonyBourdain…Yeah!…killedhimself.AnthonyBourdainhadthegreatestjobthatshowbusinesseverproduced.Thisniggaflewaroundtheworld……andatedeliciousmealswithoutstandingpeople.ThatmanwiththatjobhunghimselfinaluxurysuiteinFrance.♪Theysay2000-zero-zero♪♪Partyover,oops,outoftime♪♪So,tonightI’mgonnaparty♪♪Likeit’s1999♪Iknewaniggainhighschoolthatwasanurbangenius.Thismotherfucker’sgradeswassogood,hegotallthewayfromthehoodtoanIvyLeagueschoolwithafullscholarship.Fromthere,themotherfuckergothimselfintooneofthebestlawschoolsinthecountry.Andwhenhewasinlawschool,hemetawomanandtheyfellinlove.Andtheyweregonnagetmarried.Irememberhimtellingmeaboutit.HewashomeforChristmas,andItoldhim,Isaid,“Myman,myman…savethatbitchforlateinyourlife.”Buthe’sinlove.Hedidn’tlistentome.Hemarriedherwhilehewasinlawschool,andsadly,theygotdivorced,whilehewasinlawschool.Hewasastreetniggafromthehood.Thismanhadnothing…andthatbitchtookhalfofthat.Andthen,Ijustneversawhimagainforyears,andthen,twoyearsago,IwashomeinDCdoingsomeshoppin’,tryin’tobuymysonssomesocksatFootLocker.IgotoFootLocker.Guesswho’sthemanager?Thatnigga.Dressedlikeareferee,thewholeshit.Thismotherfuckeris45yearsold!Wewentoutdrinkingthatnightjusttryin’tocatchup,and…andhetoldme.Hesaidhe’sbeenlivingwithhismotherfor,like,tenyears,justtryingtogetbackonhisfeet.Butthat’snotthepointofthestory.Thepointofthestoryis…neveroccurredtothisniggatokillhimself.He’saliveandwellinD.C.Ievensuggestedtohimthatheshouldtryitout.Like,“Idon’tknow,maybe…”Nobody’slifeisperfect.Nomatterwhatitlookslikefromtheoutside,youdon’tknowwhatthefuck’sgoingoninside.Ihaveagreatlife,butit’snotaperfectlife,butit’sgood.It’s…Myshit’slikeanabovegroundpool.Youeverseenoneofthem?It’sapool.So,inthatspirit,tonightIthoughtI’dstartmyshowalittledifferently.TonightI’mgonnadosomethingthatI’mnotparticularlygoodatbutthatIliketodo.TonightI’mgonnatrysomeimpressionsout.Ionlygottwo.Aight,thefirstimpression’skindofdumb,butIlikeit.This…Thisismyimpression,youready?Thisismyimpression…oftheFoundingFathersofAmerica…whentheConstitutionwasbeingwritten.Youready?Hereitgoes.HurryupandfinishthatConstitution,nigger.I’mtryingtogetsomesleep.It’snotbad,right?Allright,thenextone…Thenextone’salittleharder.IwanttoseeifyoucanguesswhoitisI’mdoinganimpressionof.Allright?Letmegetintocharacter.Yougottaguesswhoitis,though.Okay,hereitgoes.Uh,duh.Hey!Durr!Ifyoudoanythingwronginyourlife,duh,andIfindoutaboutit,I’mgonnatrytotakeeverythingawayfromyou,andIdon’tcarewhenIfindout.Couldbetoday,tomorrow,15,20yearsfromnow.IfIfindout,you’refucking-duh-finished.–Trump.-Who…Who’sthat?–Trump–Trump.That’sYOU!That’swhattheaudiencesoundsliketome.That’swhyIdon’tbecomingoutdoingcomedyallthetime,’causey’allniggasistheworstmotherfuckersI’veevertriedtoentertaininmyFUCKINGlife.Ugh.I’mgoddamnsickofit.Thisistheworsttimeevertobeacelebrity.You’regonnabefinished.Everyone’sdoomed.MichaelJacksonhasbeendeadfortenyearsandthisniggahastwonewcases.Andifyouhaven’twatchedthatdocumentary…uh,thenI’mbeggingyou,don’twatchit.It’sfuckinggross.IfeltlikeHBOwasstickingbabydicksinmyearsforfourhoursstraight.Reallynastyshit.Idon’twanttoknowallthesethings.Turnsout,uh,MichaelJacksonallegedlylikesalongganderattheanus.Theysaidhestaresatpeople’sbuttholes.That’swhattheysaid.That’showgrossthedocumentarywas.I’mgonnasaysomethingthatI’mnotallowedtosay.ButIgottabereal.Uh…Idon’tbelievethesemotherfuckers.Idonotbelievethem.But…letmequalifythestatement.I…Iamwhat’sknownonthestreetsasavictimblamer.YouknowwhatImean?Ifsomebodycomeuptomelike,“Dave,Dave,ChrisBrownjustbeatupRihanna.”I’llbelike,“Well,whatdidshedo?”“Dave,MichaelJacksonwasmolestingchildren.”“Well,whatwerethosekidswearingatthetime?”Idon’tthinkhedidit.Butyouknowwhat?Evenifhediddoit…YouknowwhatImean?YouknowwhatImean?Eh…Imean,it’sMichaelJackson.Iknowmorethanhalfthepeopleinthisroomhavebeenmolestedintheirlives.Butitwasn’tnogoddamnMichaelJackson,wasit?ThiskidgothisdicksuckedbytheKingofPop.AllwegetisawkwardThanksgivingsfortherestofourlives.Youknowhowgooditmust’vefelttogotoschoolthenextdayafterthatshit?“Hey,Billy,howwastheweekend?”“Howwasmyweekend?MichaelJacksonsuckedmydick!Andthatwasmyfirstsexualexperience.IfI’mstartinghere,thensky’sthelimit!”Iknowitseemsharsh,but,man,somebody’sgottateachthesekids.There’snosuchthingasafreetriptoHawaii.He’sgonnawanttolookatyourbuttholeorsomething.YouknowwhyIdon’tbelieveit?YouknowwhyIdon’tbelieveit?BecauseifMichaelJackson’southeredoingallthismolesting,then–thenwhynotMacaulayCulkin?Hmm?MacaulayCulkinstatedinaninterviewthatMichaelJacksonneverdidanythinginappropriatewithhimorevenaroundhim.Thinkaboutthatshit.Youknow…I’mnotapedophile.ButifIwas…MacaulayCulkin’sthefirstkidI’mfucking,I’lltellyouthatrightnow.I’dbeagoddamnhero.“Hey,thatguyovertherefuckedthekidfromHomeAlone.Andyouknowhowhardheistocatch.”♪Mymind’stellingme,“No”♪–Oh!R.Kelly!Well,okay.R.Kellyisdifferent.Imean,youknow,ifI’mabettin’man,I’mgonnaputmymoneyon“Heprobablydidthatshit.”I’mprettysurehedidthatshit.Youknow,itwasbad,okay,soacoupleyearsago,IwasdoingashowinDetroit.AndI’msittingbackstageinmydressingroomandafriendofminecomesby,thischick,DreamHampton.Dream,uh,tellsme,rightbeforeI’mgoingonstage,shegoes,“Dave,I’mworkingonadocumentaryaboutR.Kelly.“Wouldyouliketobeinit?”AndIwaslike,“Nah,bitch,I’mcool.”Iwentonstage,Ijustforgotabouttheshit,andthentwoyearslater,thedocumentarycomesout,SurvivingR.Kelly.Andwhenitcomesout,Dream’spromotin’shitandshekeepsbringingmeup.Shesaid,“IaskedDaveChappelletobeinmydocumentary,andhesaiditwastoohotforTV.”Bitch,Ididnotsaythat.ThatdoesnotevensoundlikehowItalk.“Oh,that’stoohotforTV.”Iwouldneversaythatshit.ButI’mgonnatellyouguyswhyIwasn’tinthedocumentary.It’saverysimplereason,and,uh,Icannotstressthispointenough.TheonlyreasonthatIdidn’tdoitwasbecause,andthisisveryimportant…Idon’tknowthisniggaatall!Idon’tknowanything!Idon’tknowanythingthattheydon’ttellmeabout.Idon’thangoutwiththisnigga.Nothing.SowhatthefuckdoIgottobeinthedocumentaryfor?Thisguy,R.Kelly,gotanothersextapeoutnow.Canyoubelievethatshit?Thisguymakesmoresextapesthanhedoesmusic.He’sliketheDJKhaledofsextapes.“Anotherone.”Like,damn,nigga!That’salotoftapes.Thenewone’ssobadthattheydidn’tevenshowit.I’veneverseenanythinglikethis.TheprosecutorinChicagocameoutinapressconferenceandreadtothemediaatranscriptofasextape.Haveyoueverheardofsuchathing?Thisniggareadthesextape.AnditwassobadthatR.Kellysoundedguiltyinthetranscripts.It’sfuckingamazing.Sixteentimesthegirl’sagewasmentioned.Isn’tthatcrazy?Thismotherfuckerisanidiot.Hewasfuckin’herlike,“Yeah,thisisthebest14-year-oldpussyI’veeverhadinmylife.”Shewaslike,“Youlikethis14-year-oldpussy?”Like,“Oh,yeah,Ilovethis.”I’mlike,“Man,youneedtoshutthefuckup.”Yougottagiveyourlawyersomethingtoworkwith.Yousupposedtobeonthetapelike,“Thisisthebest…36-year-oldpussyI’veeverhadinmylife.”Thenyourlawyercanbelike,“YourHonor,clearlymyclientthoughtthatthiswomanwas36,ashementionedsome16timesinthetape.”Theygonnaknowyoulying,though,youknowwhatImean.Everybodyknows…nosuchthingasgood36-year-oldpussy.Doesn’tmatterwhatIsay.AndifyouathomewatchingthisshitonNetflix,remember,bitch,youclickedonmyface.Celebrityhuntingseason.Doesn’tmatterwhatIsay,they’regoingtogeteverybodyeventually.Like,look,Idon’tthinkIdidanythingwrong,but…butwe’llsee.TheyevengotpoorKevinHart.Canyouimaginesuchathing?KevinHart,letmetellyousomething.Itwas…ItwasKevinHart’sdreamtohosttheOscars.That’swhathetoldme.AndIrememberwhenhetoldme,’causeIwasthinkingtomyself,“Well,that’sanawfullystrangedreamforanAfricanAmerican.”WhatkindofniggadreamsofhostingtheOscars?Kevindid,that’swho.Andhedidit.Againstalltheodds,Kevinbecamethemostfamouscomedianthisworldhaseverseen,andhegotthejobthatonlyoneblackmanbeforehimhadhad.Hewasgonnahostthe80thOscars.AndIdon’tknowwhatyouknowaboutKevin,butIknowKevinHartisdamnnearperfect.AsclosetoperfectasanybodyI’veeverseen.Infact,Kevinispreciselyfourtweetsshyofbeingperfect.Tenyearsago,Kevinhadmadesomeveryhomophobiccomments.AndI’mnotgonnarepeatwhathesaid…becausethisisAtlanta.YouknowwhatImean.I’msurethere’salotofgaymenheretonight…withtheirwives.Farbeitfrommetooffendanybody.Allright,I’lltellyouwhathesaid.Butjustremember,thesearenotmywords.ThesewereKevin’swords.Anditwasalongtimeago.AndI’mparaphrasing,’causeI’mnotgoodattellingotherpeople’sjokes.Okay,Kevinsaid…thatifhislittlesonwasdemonstratingor-or-orexhibiting,uh,homosexualbehavioraroundthehouse,thathe’dchastisehim.He’dsay,“Hey,that’sgay.”Andthenhesaidhewouldsmashadollhouseoverthatchild’shead.Ooh,thegaycommunitywasfurious.AndIdon’tblame’em.Igotalotofgayfriends.Andallofthem,100%ofthem,allhavetoldmefuckin’horrorstoriesabouttheshittheyhadtogothroughjusttobethemselves.Crazy,crazystories.Andinallthosestories,Igottasay,notoneofthemhasevermentionedanythinglike…theirfathersmashingafuckingdollhouseovertheirhead.‘Cause,clearly,Kevinwasjoking.Thinkaboutit.Youwouldhavetobuythisniggaadollhousetobreakitoverhisheadinthefirstplace.Doesthatsoundright?Isanybodygonnadothat?Thegaycommunitywasupset,andthentheyputsomuchpressureontheAcademyofMotionPicturesandSciencesthattheywenttoKevinandsaid,“Ifyoudon’tapologizetothatcommunity,thenyoucannothosttheseOscars.”AndthenKevinsaid,“Fuckit,Iquit.”AndthenhewentoneverytalkshowinAmericaandapologizedforsixweeks.Kevinfuckedup.IunderstandthemistakehemadebecauseI’vemadethesamemistakeearlyinmycareer.Thisismanyyearsago,15yearsago.ItwaswhenIwasdoingChappelle’sShow.There’sa–Thankyou.Thankyou.Onnetworktelevision,theyhaveadepartmentthat’scalledStandardsandPractices.Thisisthedepartmentthattellsyouwhatyoucanandcannotsayontelevision.Andifyou’redoingyourjobwell,youshouldneverhearfrom’em.Butifyou’remakingChappelle’sShow,you’llhearfromthesemotherfuckersallthetime.Andremember,thiswas15yearsago.Imadeamistake.Ididn’tevenknowI’ddoneanythingwrong.Ihadwrittenasketch…thathadtheword…“faggot”init.SoIhadtogotoStandardsandPractices.Theycallmeup.Idon’tknowwhythey’recallingme,butIliketheladythatrunsthedepartment.She’susuallyreallyfairandwasoneofmyfavoritepeopleI’veeverworkedwith.Soshesitsmedown.Wehaveaniceconversation.Shetellsme,“Oh,thesketchesaregreat.”Igo,“Oh,fantastic.Well,then…well,then,whyamIhere?”Shesaid,“Because,David,there’snoway…thatyoucaneversaytheword…“faggot”onournetwork.Ididn’tknowIdidanythingwrong.Ididn’ttrytodefendmyself.Isaid,“Allright.Fuckit,I’lltakeitout.Haveagoodafternoon.”AndasIwasleaving,itoccurredtome.“Hey.Hey,Renée,quickquestion.It’sjustaquestion.Seriously,Iwannaknow.Like,wh-whyisit…whyisitthat…thatIcansaytheword“nigger”withimpunity……butIcan’tsaytheword“faggot”?”Andshesaid,“Because,David,youarenotgay.”Isaid,“Well,Renée…I’mnotaniggereither.”But,yousee,whatIdidn’trealizeatthetimeandwhatKevinhadtolearnthehardwayiswewerebreakinganunwrittenandunspokenruleofshowbusiness.AndifIsayit,you’llknowthatI’mtellingyouthetruth.Theruleisthatnomatterwhatyoudoinyourartisticexpression,youarenever,ever,allowedtoupset…thealphabetpeople.YouknowwhoImean.Thosepeoplethattook20%ofthealphabetforthemselves.I’dsaytheletters,butIdon’twanttoconjuretheiranger.Ah,it’stoolatenow.I’mtalkingaboutthemL’sandthemB’sandthemG’sandtheT’s.Peoplewouldbesurprised.Ihavefriendsofallkindsofletters.EverybodylovesmeandIloveeverybody.IgotfriendswhoareL’s.IgotfriendswhoareB’s.AndIgotfriendswhoareG’s.ButtheT’shatemyfuckin’guts.AndIdon’tblame’em.It’snottheirfault.It’smine.Ican’tstoptellingjokesabouttheseniggas.Idon’twanttowritethesejokes,butIjustcan’tstop!Youknow,youhearallthoseletterstogetherallthetime.“LBGT,LBGT,”andyouthinkit’sjustonebigmovement.It’snot.Allthoselettersaretheirownmovement.Theyjusttravelinthesamecartogether.And…myguessis…Oh!Whatisthis,highschool?Thisniggaprobablygotababysitterorsomething.Goandansweryourphone,nigga.Getthatshitoutofhere.I’m…I’minthemiddleofsomethingimportant.Wouldn’titbefunnyifwemadefunofhimandhe’slike,“Ha,ha,”andhewentoutsidelike,“Hello?”“Mama’sdead.”“Oh,no!”“Mama’sdead.”Thatwasaweird-timedphonecall,wasn’tit?It’slikehisphoneisgay.LikeIwassaying…myguessis…theG’saredrivingthatcar.Thatmakessensetome.‘Causethere’swhitemenintheG’s.Andthesepeoplearetryingtogetaround,uh,discriminationandoppression,andyouknowhowwhitedudesare.“Weknowtheseroads.Infact,webuilttheseroads.“Therestofyou,buckleup.We’llgetyoutowhereyouwanttogo.”SotheG’sarejustdrivingthecar.Ofcourse,nexttotheG’sinthepassengerseat…istheL’s.EverybodylikestheL’s,exceptfortheG’s.Idon’tknowwhatthat’sabout.IjustknowtheG’sdon’tlikethemthatmuch.TheG’salwayssay,like,littlesubliminaldigson’em.It’sunnecessaryshit.It’snotmean,butyouknowwhatImean?Theyjustbelike…“Iwouldn’twearthat.”AndtheonlythingthatbreaksthetensionbetweentheL’sandtheG’saretheB’sinthebackseat.That’sright.Thereyougo.Everybodyscreamoutwhenyouhearyourletter.Ifthere’sonethingthattheL’sandtheG’sagreeon,isit’sthattheB’sarefuckin’gross.TheyseemgreedytotheL’sandtheG’s.YouknowwhatImean?‘Causethey’rejustsittin’inthebackseatlike,“Yeah,man,I’llfuckanybodyinthiscar.What’sgoingon,man?”AndsittingnexttotheB’s,allthewayinthebackseatbythemselveslookingoutthewindow…that’stheT’s.EverybodyinthecarrespectstheT’s,buteveryonealso…resentstheT’s.It’snottheT’s’fault,buteveryoneinthecarjustfeelsliketheT’saremakingthetriptakelonger.AnythingtheT’ssaygetsoneverybody’snerves.Andthen,theT’sdon’tevensayanythingbad.Theyjustbeinthebacktalkingtothemselves.“Hm…“I’mhot.”“Shutup.Shutthefuckup,okay?Youshouldrollthewindowdown,you…Bitch,Idon’tknowwhatyou…”“What?IjustsaidIwashot.Canyoupulloveratthenextexit?Ineedtousetherestroom.”“Thereisnotarestroomforyouforfourstates,nigga!Willyoujustshutthefuckupsowecangetwherewe’regoing?”Andjustwhenthatcarcan’tgetanymoretense,theQ’sareahitchhikerthattheypickupontheroad.Somewhitedudeinbootyshortsjustwalkinginthefreeway.TheG’sseehim.“Hm,thatguymightbeoneofus.Hey,areyouokay?Youneedsomehelp?”Andhecomeovertherewiththembootyshorts,leaningonthewindow.“Hey,what’sgoingon,fellas?”Lady.Whateverpronounmakesyoufeelcomfortableintheback.Yeah.Idon’treallyknowwhereI’mgoing.Idon’tknowifI’mgayorI’mstraightorwhatever.AllIknowforsureisthat,um…Ireallywanttogetinthiscar.”AndtheymakehimgetinandsitbetweentheB’sandtheT’s.IfeelbadforT’s.Butthey’resoconfusing.Andit’snotallmyfault.I-Ifeelliketheyneedtotakesomeresponsibilityformyjokes.‘CauseIdidn’tcomeupwiththisideaonmyown,thisideathatapersoncanbeborninthewrongbody.Buttheyhavetoadmitthat’safuckinghilariouspredicament.It’sreallyfuckingfunny.Ifithappenedtome,you’dlaugh.Wouldn’tyou?Thatwouldn’tbefunnyifithappenedtome?Ithinkitwouldbe.Whatif…Whatifitdid?Whatif…WhatifIwas…WhatifIwasChinese?But…Butborninthisniggabody.That’snotfunny?Andfortherestofmylife,Ihadtogoaroundmakingthatface.“Hey,everybody,I’mChinese!”Andeveryonegetsmad.“Stopmakingthatface.That’soffensive.”-“What?”“ThisishowIfeelinside.”It’shardnottowritethesejokes.It’shardnottothinkaboutit.EvenwhenIwatchsports,I’dbethinkingaboutit.Like,thinkaboutit.Okay,say…sayLeBronJames,uh,changedhisgender.YouknowwhatImean?Okay.CanhestayintheNBA,or,becausehe’sawoman,doeshehavetogototheWNBAwherehewillscore840pointsagame?Whatdoesitactuallymeantobeequal?YouknowwhatImean?Like,ifwomenareactuallyequaltomen,thentherewouldbenoWNBA,wouldthere?YouwouldjustbegoodenoughtoplayintheNBAwithus.Or,here’sanotherideathat’sgoingtobeverycontroversial,youcould…shutthefuckup.I’msorry,ladies.Ijust…IgotafuckingMeTooheadache.Y’alliskillingmerightnow.It’sreallyfuckin’toughtowatchwhat’sgoingon.Youknow,ladies,Isaiditinmylastspecial,andIgotinalotoftroubleforthis.Itoldyou,youwereright.Butthewayyou’regoingaboutitisnotgoingtowork.ButI’mbiased.Isaidit.LouisC.K.wasaverygoodfriendofminebeforehediedinthatterriblemasturbationaccident.Anditwashisroom.Youreadthestory.Hewasmasturbatinginhisownroom.That’swhereyousupposedtomasturbate.Thenhesaid,“Hey,everybody,I’mgonnapullmydickout.”Nobodyranforthedoorornothinglikethat.Theyalljustkindofhungout,like,“Iwonderifthisguyisserious.”Andhecameonhisownstomach.Thereitis.Whatisthethreat?Haveanywomeneverseenaguythatjustcameonhisownstomach?ThisistheleastthreateningmotherfuckertheEarthhaseverseen.Allyouseeisshameintheirfaceand…cumdrippingdownlikepancakebutter.Hedidn’tdoanythingthatyoucancallthepolicefor.Idareyoutotry.Callthepoliceonhim.“Hello?Police,yes.Iam…IamontheotherlinewithcomedianLouisC.K.,andIthinkthatheismasturbatingwhileI’monthephone.”YouknowwhatthepolicearegonnasayinAtlanta?“Well,whatareyouguystalkingabout?Mm-hm.Mm-hmm.”Theyruinedthisnigga’slife,andnowhe’scomingbackplayingcomedyclubs,andtheyactinglikeifhe’sabletodothat,that’sgonnahurtwomen.Whatthefuckisyouragenda,ladies?Is–Issexismdead?No,infact,theoppositehappened.Isaiditwasgonnagetworse,andtheysaidIwastonedeaf.Buteightstates,includingyourstate,havepassedthemoststringentanti-abortionlawsthisnationhasseensinceRoev.Wade.I…Itoldyou.Itoldyou.I’llberealwithyou,andIknownobodygivesafuckwhatIthinkanyway.-Uh…I’mnotforabortion.-Oh,shutup,nigga.I’mnotforit,butI’mnotagainstiteither.Italldepends…onwhoIgetpregnant.Idon’tcare–I’lltellyourightnow.Idon’tcarewhatyourreligiousbeliefsareoranything.Ifyouhaveadick,youneedtoshutthefuckuponthisone.Seriously.Thisistheirs.Therighttochooseistheirunequivocalright.NotonlydoIbelievetheyhavetherighttochoose,Ibelievethattheyshouldn’thavetoconsultanybody,-exceptforaphysician……abouthowtheyexercisethatright.Gentleman,thatisfair.Andladies,tobefairtous,Ialsobelieveifyoudecidetohavethebaby,amanshouldnothavetopay.That’sfair.Ifyoucankillthismotherfucker,Icanatleastabandon’em.It’smymoney,mychoice.AndifI’mwrong,thenperhapswe’rewrong.So,figurethatshitoutforyourselves.Imean,really,uh,whatthefuckarewedoing?Ican’tliveinthisnewworldyou’reproposing.Andmeanwhile,whilewe’reworryingaboutthisothershit,lookatwhat’shappening.Theyjustkilledanother12peopleinamassshootinginVirginiaBeach.Thisshit’shappeningeveryweek.Ithappenssomuch,I’malmost–Idon’tcareanymore.Icamehomeearlyfromtheroad.Ihada$12,000suiton,’causelife’sbeengoinggood.AndIgothomeearly,anddinnerwascookin’.Youevercomehomewhendinner’scookin’?Doesn’tthatsmellgood?Andmysonsawme,andhewaslike,“Dad’shome.”Andhegotupfromthetableandranovertogivemeahug,buthehadchickengreasealloverhisface,soIstiffedonhim,like,“Yo,yo,yo,yo,yo,myman,myman.Watchthesethreads,son.Thisisanexpensivesuit.Idon’twantyoutogetthatchickengreasealloverme.”A-Andhewaslike,“Whatthef…Chickengrease?Dad,thisisduck.”Hmm.Atearcameoutofmyeyes.IneverdreamtI’ddosowellinlifethatI’draiseaniggawithduckgreasealloverhisface.Andwesatdown,wejusttalkedabouteverything.Iwastellingmywifeabouthowmyshowsweregoing,andItoldhermytransjokes,andshewaslike,“Oh,Ihatethatjoke.”Andyouknowwhyshehatesthejoke?‘Causeshe’sAsian.ButyouknowwhatImean?Idon’tmakethatfaceatthehouse,u-unlesswe’rereallyfightin’.Andmeandher,weweren’targuing,butyouknowwhatImean?She’slike,“Youneedtostopdoingthat.”Andthen,Itriedtochangethesubject.“Oh,howisschoolgoing,boys?”Andmyson’stellingme,“Well,wedidn’thaveschooltoday,technically.”I’mlike,“What…What’sgoingon?”Hesaid,“Welltherewas,like,aschoolshootingdrill.”Ineverheardofthis.Youknowwhatthisis?Theyhavedrillsthattheymakekidsdo,uh,wheretheypracticewhattodoifsomebodycomestoshootuptheirschool.I’dneverheardofthatbefore.Iwaslike,“Whatthefuck?”Ihadtotellmysonsthetruth.Ididn’twanttotellthemthisshit.“Son…Son,listentome.Fuckthatdrill.Ifsomebodycomestoyourschoolandwantstoshootitup,I’mjustgonnabehonestwithyou.Youprobablygonnagetshot,nigga.I’mjustbeingreal.Yougotafamousdad.Italkalotofshit.Theygonnabegunningforyou,littlebuddy.Juststaylowandruninazigzagpattern,anddon’ttrytosaveanybody,son.Doyouunderstandme?”Whywouldyouhavekidsrehearseforsomeshittheyhavenocontrolover?Allyou’redoingistrainingthesekidstoworry.It’sthestupidestdrillI’veeverheardof.Andwhileyou’reintheretraining’emduringthesedrills,well,aren’tyoutrainingtheshooter,too?Thisnigga’sinherelisteningandlearningliketheotherkids.Sittin’intheback…“So,wherearewesupposedtomeet?Okay.”Allright.Ifyou’reaparent,thisshitisterrifying.Thisshitisrealscary.Alltheparentsislookingateachothercrazy,becauseweknow,asparents,thatoneofusisraisingtheshooter.Wejustdon’tknowwhichoneofusitis.Allweknowforsure…isthatifyou’reawhiteparent,thechancesthatit’syou……it’sexponentiallyhigherthantherestofus.Shootingupschoolisawhitekids’game.It’sfuckin’crazy.Youknow,Ihatedschool,too.Itneveroccurredtome…killeverybodyinschool?It’sfuckin’crazy.JustdowhatIdid,nigga.Trysomethings.“Haveyouskippedschool,nigga?Skipschool!Takeawalkandmeetsomeotherkids.Fuckschool,nigga.Trydrugs.Haveyoutrieddrugsout?Nigga,thatmight…”Somescaryshit.I’vegiventhisalotofthought.Idon’tseeanypeacefulwaytodisarmAmerica’swhites.There’sonlyonethingthat’sgoingtosavethiscountryfromitself.Samethingthatalwayssavesthiscountryfromitself,andthatisAfricanAmericans.Right.AndIknowthequestionthatalotofy’allhaveinyourmindsis,“Shouldwedoit?”Yeah.Fuckyeah,weshoulddoit.Listen,nomatterwhattheysayorhowtheymakeyoufeel,remember,thisisyourcountry,too.-Itisincumbentuponus…tosaveourcountry.Andyouknowwhatwehavetodo.Thisisafuckin’electionyear.Wegottabeserious.Everyable-bodiedAfricanAmericanmustregisterforalegalfirearm.That’stheonlywaythey’llchangethelaw.Ihateguns,personally.Ican’tstand’em.Yeah,butIhaveseveral.Idon’twant’em,butIfeellikeIneed’em.Don’tforgetwhereIlive.IliveinOhio.AndanyonethatknowsanythingaboutOhioknowsthateventheword“Ohio”isanoldNativeAmericanword.Itmeans,literally,uh,“landofpoorwhitepeople.”AndIdon’tknowwhat’sgoingondownhere,butinmyexperience,uh,poorwhitepeoplelove,and,Imean,theyfuckinglove…heroin.Theycan’tseemtogetenoughofit.Ididn’tknowwhatIwaslookingatatfirst.Iwasdriving,like,“Whyareallthesewhitepeoplesosleepyouthere?”It’sreallybad.Matteroffact,IwascomingoutofthenightclubtheothernightinDayton,andIhadparkedmycarinthealley,andnoonewasout.Ididn’thavenobodyguardsornothing.Iwashome.Ifiguredeverythingwasfine.AndassoonasIopenmycardoor,allbymyself,suddenly,uh,oneoftheseheroin-addictedwhitesjustpopsoutofatrashcan.Itscaredtheshitoutofme.Iscreamed.“Aah!”Andthen,Irealizeditwasawoman.Shewasfuckedup.Shewaslike…“Hey,man.Hey,man.Relax,okay?I’msick,allright?Ineedsomedrugs,man.Please?I’llsuckyourdickforfivedollars,man.”Iwaslike,“Ick…Two.”Obviously,I’mjoking.Thisopioidcrisisisacrisis.Iseeiteveryday.It’sasbadastheysay.It’sruininglives,it’s…destroyingfamilies.Sadly,youknowwhatitremindsmeof?Seeingit?Remindsmeofus.Thesewhitefolkslookexactlylikeusduringthecrackepidemic.Youknow,it’sreallycrazytosee.Andallthisshittheytalkaboutonthenewsabouthowdividedthenationis,Idon’tbelieveit.Ifeellike,nowadays,we’regettin’arealgoodlookateachother.It’swild,becauseIevenhaveinsightintohowthewhitecommunitymust’vefeltwatchingtheblackcommunitygothroughthescourgeofcrack…becauseIdon’tcareeither.“Hanginthere,Whites.Justsayno.What’ssohardaboutthat?”Rememberwheny’allsaidthattous?Butit’sokay.There’snogrudges.Nowyoufinallygotitright.Onceitstartedhappeningtoyourkids,yourealizeit’sahealthcrisis.Thesepeoplearesick.Theyarenotcriminals.Theyaresick.Bethatasitmay,I’marmedtotheteeth.FirstgunIboughtwasa12-gaugeshotgun.Ididn’twantthegun.Remember,though,I’dmovedtoafarmandIwassittin’ontheporch,andIseeawhitedudewalkingacrossmyproperty,entitled,likehe’ssupposedtobethere.Hehadarifleoverhisshoulder,too.Ain’tthatabitch?Isaid,“Whatthefuckisthisguydoingonmyproperty?”Iwasmadasshit,butIwasunarmed.So,Iendedupjustwavingtothismotherfuckerlikeabitch.Iwasjust,like…Andassoonashegotfarenoughaway,IrantomycarandspedtoKmart.Thisisinaruralwhitearea.Andremember,Iwasnervous,’causetheguywasonmyproperty,I’mblack,andIwassweating.YouknowwhatImean?AndIrantotheguncounter.Blackandsweaty,sweatingandblack,andIlookedupandIwaslike…Ilookedlikeaslaveorsomething.Isaid,“Ineedagun.Immediately.”Likethat.Justlikethat.Theguydidn’tasknoquestions,hejust…grabbeda12-gaugeshotgun,handedittome.I’dneverevenheldagunbefore.I’mlike…“Well,Ineed…Ineedsomebullets,too.”Andtheguyreachedunderthecounter,puttwoboxesofshellsonthecounter.Hesaid,“Allright,buddy.Whichboxdoyouwant?”Ididn’tknow.Oneboxhadapictureofsomeducksonit.Theotherboxhadapictureofsomedeer.Isaid,“Well,what’sthatboxwiththemducks?”Hesaid,“Oh,thatthere’sbirdshot.”Andthenhegoesjustlikethis,I’mnotexaggerating,hegoes,“Thatwon’tkillaman.”Hesaid,“It’lljustpepperhimupnicely.”Isaid,“Whatthefuck?Pepper?”Youknowwhatitmeanstopepperamotherfuckerup?Itmeansthatwhentheshellexplodes,hotBBswillshootoutofthebarrelofthegun,notkillingamotherfucker,butpenetratingtheirskinandshallowflesh.Boy,that’sgottahurt.HotBBs?“Aah!Aaaah!”RememberwhenDickCheneyshotamotherfuckerinthefaceandhelived?Thatwasbirdshot.Isaid,“Well,what’sthatboxwiththedeeronit?”Hegoes,“Oh,thatthereisbuckshot.That’llputaholeinagoddamntruckifyouwantedto.So,whichboxdoyouwant?”Andhepickedtheonewiththedeerupandshookit.Ithoughthewastryingtotrickme.Iwaslike,“Doyouhaveabox,uh,withapictureofawhitedudetrespassingonit?‘Cause…….that’sexactlythestrengthI’mlookingfor.ButIdidn’tknowthatifyou’redefendingyourhomewithashotgun,theformuladictatesthatyou’resupposedtobuybothboxes.ThiswasnotaformulathatIwasfamiliarwith.Itgoeslikethis:there’ssixshotsina12-gaugeshotgun.Sowhenyouloadthegun,youloaditlikethis.Firstshot,birdshot.Nextshot,buckshot.Birdshot,andthenafterthat,gun’sJamaican.Buckshot,buckshot,buckshot.Butyougottapictureit.Okay,like,sayI’minbedandI’msleepin’,andsuddenly,mywifewakesmeup.“David.David,wakeup!”AndI’mlike,“Uh,oh.Lookwho’scomearound.”AndIpullmydickoverthetopofmypajamas.Andshe’ssays,“No,Ihearsomethin’.”Igo,“Oh,thisbitch.”SoIgetupoutofbed…Uh,grabthegun.Isay,“Waithere,baby.I’llgocheckitout.Justlockthedoorbehindme.”Oh,myGod,she’sright.Rightthereinthekitchenisaheroin-addictedwhiteand…he’sdiggingthroughthechangejarbythedoor.“Iworkreallyhardforthatchange.Igottadosomething.”So,first,Iracktheshotgun.“Hey,motherfucker!”Click-clack.That’satest.Thatclick-clacksoundwillstoparationalhumanbeingintheirtracks.But,sureenough,thispersonisnotrational.They’resickondrugs.They’redigginginthechange.Igottaactfast.Thisnigga’salmostgot$1.50.“Iwarnedyou.”Birdshot!Andthereitgoes.HotBB’swillpermeatehisyellowheroinskin.Remember,I’mnotkillinghim,I’mjust“pepperinghimupnice.”Heletsoutaheroinscream.No!Andthatshouldbetheendofit.But…Uh-oh.Imiscalculated.Whilehe’sonthegroundscreaming,Inoticethathisteetharehorriblymiscolored.That’snotheroinatall,isit?That’scrystalmeth.Hepopsrightbackup,unscathed.Timefortheheavystuff.Clack-clack.Buckshot!Andthen,ifhegotafriendwithhim,Igotonemorebirdshotleft.AndIrepeatthecycle.Afterthatnigga,it’sslugsforeverybody.AndI’llbeinakitchenfullofdyingheroinaddicts,sayingstupidheroinlastwords.“Youshotme,bro.”“Oh,ithurts,man.Ithurts.Ah.”Theirlastwordsarealwaysthedumbestwords,like…“Whyisyourdickout?”I’mjustafraidofbeingattacked.Ithappenstothebestofus.Don’teverforgetwhathappenedtothatFrenchactor.YouknowwhoI’mtalkingabout.JussieSmollett,he’saveryFrench…AveryfamousFrenchactor.Y’allneverheardofJussieSmollett?JussieSmollettisanactorfromFrance.A-AndhebecamefamousonashowcalledEmpire.Andonenight,hewasinChicagolateatnight,andwasthevictim…Hewasthevictimofaracistandhomophobicattack.Yousee,JussieSmollettis…gay,andheisblack,notjustFrench.Oh,itwasacrazystory.Apparently,whenhe’swalkingdownthestreetlateatnight,twowhitemencameoutoftheshadows,uh…withMAGAhatsonandbeathimup.Tiedaropearoundhisneck,calledhimallkindsofniggasand…and…putsomebleachonhimandranoffintothenight.Thisshitwas,like,internationalnews.Andeverybodywasfurious,especiallyinHollywood.It’sallovereverybody’sTwitterfeedandInstagrampage.“JusticeforJussie”andallthisshit.Thewholecountrywasupinarms.Wewastalkingaboutitallthetimeonthenews,and…and,forsomereason,uh,AfricanAmericans,wewerelikeoddlyquiet.WeweresoquietaboutthisshitthatthegaycommunitystartedaccusingtheAfricanAmericancommunityofbeinghomophobicfornotsupportinghim.Butwhattheydidn’tunderstandisthatweweresupportinghimwithoursilence.Becauseweunderstoodthatthisniggawasclearlylying.Noneofthesedetailsaddedupatall.Hesaidhe’swalkingdownthestreetinChicagoand-and,uh,whitedudescomeuptohimandsay,“Hey,man,aren’tyouthatfaggotniggerfromEmpire?”Whatthefuck?Doesthatsoundlikehowwhitepeopletalk?Iknowwhitepeople.Theydon’ttalklikethat.“AreyouthatfaggotniggerfromEmpire?”Theywouldneversaythat.Itsoundslikesomething…thatIwouldsay.Ifyou’reracistandhomophobic,youdon’tevenknowwhothisniggais.Youcan’twatchEmpire.Blackpeopleneverfeelsorryforthepolice,butthistime,weevenfeltsorryforthepolice.Canyouimagineifyouwasapoliceveterantakingthiskid’spolicereport?“Okay,Mr.Smollett.Please,tellmewhathappened.”“Allright,you…2:00a.m.Youleftthehouseat2:00a.m.Itwasminus16degreesand…-Allright.Youwerewalking?Youwerewalking.Allright.And…andwherewereyougoing?Subway?Sandwiches?That’swhenthemenapproachedyou?Didyouseethem?Doyouhaveany–Okay,whatdidtheyhaveon?MAGAhats?MAGAhatsoninChicago?Excuseme,onesecond,Mr.Smollett.Frank,comehereforasecond.FindoutwhereKanyeWestwaslastnight.”Suchafuckingoutrageousstory.Hesaidtheyputaropearoundhisneck.HasanyonehereeverbeentoChicago?Yes!Allright.Allright,soyou’vebeenthere.Now,tellme,howmuchropedoyourememberseeing?Whothefuckiscarryingrope?Like,whendidyougetmugged,nigga,in1850?-Who’sgotrope?–Who’sgotrope?Man,thatshitwasawful.So,okay.I’mdoingashowsomewhere,andI’monstage,andIwasalittledrunk,youknow.Ifigured,“Fuck,letmetalkaboutthatniggaalittlebit.”Ifiguredit’dbesafe,’cause,youknow,everybody’sphonesarelockedup…AndIwentinonthiskid.Iwastalkingallkindsofshit.Now,Ididn’tknowthattherewasajournalistintheaudience.Andunfortunatelyforme,thatmotherfucker…tookimpeccablenotes.HetoldeverybodyeverythingIsaid.Hewasevenputtin’thejokesintheheadline.Theheadlinesaid,“DaveChappelleSaysHeWantsToSmashADollhouseOverJussieSmollett’sHead.”IthoughtforsurewhenIreadthatheadline,Isaid,“Well,that’sitforme.I’mcanceled.”Butluckyforme,thatverysameday,theChicagopolicecaughtthemotherfuckersthatactuallydidit,and,hilariously,theywereboth,uh,Nigerian.Notonlyweretheynotwhite,theywerevery,veryblack.TheywereNigerian,whichisthefunniestshit.Thewholestoryisfunniernow.“ThisisMAGAcountry,youfaggotnigger.”“Youfaggotnigger.”If…Ifyou’reinagroupthatImadefunof,thenjustknowthatIprobablywillonlymakefunofyouifIseemyselfinyou.ImakefunofpoorwhitepeoplebecauseIwasoncepoor.AndIknowthattheonlydifferencebetweenapoorblackpersonandapoorwhitepersonisthatapoorwhitepersonfeelslikeit’snotsupposedtobehappeningtothem.Yeah!Everythingelseisthesame.Iknowwhatit’sliketohaveacoldhouse.Iwasn’tallowedtotouchthethermostatgrowingupwithoutaskingmyfather,anditwouldbefuckin’freezinginthehouse.I’dbelike,“Dad,please.CanIpleasejustturntheheatupto,like,Idon’tknow,32,nigga?It’sreallycold.”Andmydadwouldsay,“Justputmoreclotheson,David.”“Igotallthreeofmyoutfitson,nigga.Willyoulookatme?I’mfreezinguphere.”Andhesaid,“Justdon’tthinkabouthowcoldyouare,David.”AndIsaidthis.Ididn’tsayittohim,butIsaiditinfrontofhimsohecouldhear.Isaid,“Ifuckin’hatebeingpoor.”Andmydadgotreallyupset.Hedidn’tscreamorhowl.Thatwasn’thisway.Hejustthrewhisnewspaperonthefloor,andhesaid,“David,David,David.Youarenotpoor.”Hesaid,“Poorisamentality.”Hesaid,“It’samentalitythatveryfewpeopleeverrecoverfrom.Don’tyouforgetit,son.Youarebroke.”Hesaid,“ThesearejustfinancialcircumstancesthatIhopetoovercomeonedayverysoon.”AndIsaid,“Well,Dad,whateveryouwanttocallthis,uh,it’swildlyuncomfortable.”Therewasabigdancecomingupinthemiddleschool.Iwas12yearsold.Isaid,“Dad,canIgotothedance?”Hesaid,“Ofcourseyoucango.Iwantyoutogetoutandmeetsomemorekids.”Isaid,“Great.Uh,itcoststhreedollarstogetin.”Andmydadsaid,“Ooh…Sorry,son,uh…Idon’thaveit.”Iwaslike,“Whatthefuck?Youdon’thavethreedollars?Well,then,howarewealive,Dad?WishIfoundsomewayoutofthishell!I’ddoanythingtonotbepoor.IwillshowMichaelJacksonmyanusifIgetachance.Ijustgottagetoutofthishell.”Dadsaid,“Ifyouwanttogotothedancebadenough,I’lltellyouwhat.There’ssomemoneyinthechangejar,getthemoneyfromthere.”Iwas12yearsold.That’swhatIdid.Ishoweduptothedanceearly.There’salonglineofkidswaitingbehindmewhileI’matthedoor,tryingtocountout300penniestogetinside.IwillneverforgetthisshitaslongasIfuckin’live.Oh,man,youknow.Ifyou’vebeenpoor,youknowwhatthatfeelslike.Youashamedallthetime.Feelslikeit’syourfault.Andallthemkidswaslaughing,“Ha,ha,ha,lookhowpoorDaveChappelleis.”Oh.Like,whenIthinkbackatit,thatwasreallytheonlytimeinmylifethatIeverthoughttomyself,“Ishouldkilleverybodyatschool.”Thankyouverymuch,everybody,andgoodnight.
